Thats 78 weigh-ins, 78 times I've stood up on those electronic scales and watched either in earnest or with bated breath as the digital display flashed up a weight. You can probably guess but for most of the first two cards, my + or - value was a minus, and if it was a plus, I knew the reason why.
On Tuesday, July 30th last, I got my 14th Silver 7. I was so happy. 7 STONE! The following tuesday I weighed in at 12st 1lb. I was 99lbs lighter, just ONE POUND away from goal. That was when I gave up smoking. Now, I'm not by any way shape or form putting the blame on cigarettes but it has felt that since that point, I haven't been able to regain my feet on the ground.
For the past 30 weeks I have played with a stone! Up one, down two, up three, down one. Today, as the last line on my card was filled, it was 13st 2lbs. Exactly 15lbs up from my lightest weight which was 1lb away from goal and my 100lb cert. So bloody frustrating. I've had my eyes fixed firmly on hitting 12st. I think in fact, if I'd only just hit it and then moved off it, I wouldn't be so obsessed with hitting 12st.
Anyway, I'm fed up. I'm annoyed with myself. I'm disappointed in myself. This is hard - working towards something without seeing any progress - it is really hard to keep motivated and I've found myself starting to slip. Stupid old habits have started to creep back in and I feel like my footing is starting to slip more and more.
This isn't a 'Poor me' or a 'Give me sympathy' blog post, I'm just venting about how difficult it is. I think the reality of the situation is: Losing weight is tough... maintaining weight loss is tough... staying in control is tough and staying motivated is tough.
As I faffed around online today, I came across this on Chinie's wonderful blog - Fab After 40 (link here) and it was exactly what I needed:
Of course I'm the same old brand new me! In those past thirty weigh-ins since I was one pound away from my goal weight I have accomplished so much.
I ran TWO marathons.
I did not smoke 5000 cigarettes (which I would have had I not given up).
I have learned more about myself and what I am capable of than I ever could have imagined.
I bought a bike.
I experienced things I could never have imagined - the companionship in sportsmanship, the opportunity to just go for a 3 hour walk with friends, the ability to just sign up for a half marathon without giving it much thought.
I am running faster.
I know muscle weighs more than fat.
I know, know deep down inside if I am really honest with myself that the reason I haven't gotten my weight under control is because I have left old habits slip back in to my life. I eat what I want without properly tracking, sometimes I over eat, knowing that I really don't need the second bowl of museli or pasta but I still go for it. My problem has never been having one biscuit or treating myself to a cupcake or a curly wurly, my problem has always been in knowing the biscuit that's one biscuit too many and walking away.
I really need to regroup, refocus and re-strategise.